I’m sure that everyone has found themselves reminiscing about old memories. Perhaps it was a good one that happened many years ago when you were a child. Were you playing in the playground? Maybe you were experiencing a transformative moment with a group of your childhood friends? The reminiscence could also be about something that happened recently in your life. Did you just land that dream job interview and had a celebration with people close to you? Or maybe an embarrassing memory that kept you up late in the night?
Looking back on things isn’t a rare occurrence. Sometimes, there are some memories that make you think, “What could I have done differently? Would I be in a different place if I did it another way?”
Have you ever loved someone, yet for some reason, you had to walk away from them for the better? Maybe you discovered along the way that neither of you were compatible with the other, or there was a distance continuously creating pain. When looking back on memories like these, one could often find oneself filled with bittersweet thoughts. It could have happened, it could have been great even, but the world has a funny way of saying that this isn’t the right time, nor the right person, nor the right place.
Admittedly, there are some experiences I had with love that left me feeling like that—bittersweet. Most of the time, I would give them my all. I would start off as this energetic friend that interacts with them consistently. I would call, I would text, I would check up on them—I would be supportive. I would give time to their interests, and I would let them know mine. Then, as time passes, feelings would bloom, and how I perceive them would change. They are attractive now, and I begin wanting to spend even more time with them. But no matter how hard I try, I’d end up only as a friend or a good experience. And sometimes I would look back and wonder if what I did was too much, if how I felt was too much. It saddens me that there could have been something, but it just was not meant to happen.
That, however, does not erase the happiness I felt during our shared moments, and I think that’s an important sign of maturity. It reminds me a lot of a certain section within Kalpesh Desai’s Jasmines in Her Hair. The section, funnily enough, is named “Memories. ” In this section, the poet has now gone through the happiness, the anger, the regret, and the sadness that come with a relationship. This section depicts a persona now reminiscing about the memories they and their lost flame once had.
What Ifs
I recount memories of us in my head,
As I lay with the window open wide.
I toss and turn on this empty bed,
A constant reminder of a future denied.
“What Ifs” is the poem I resonated with the most in this section. I believe that it captures that bittersweet feeling, that sleepless night, that tossing and turning as you wonder what choices you could’ve done to change the present that you have now. Setting the anger and the arguments aside, did you not choose yourself? But what do you do now that there seems to be a void left inside your heart?
As I was reading the rest of the “Memories” section, I noticed how Kalpesh Desai was able to encapsulate that bittersweet loneliness one feels as they recount the memories and the happiness felt with what used to be. This section is only half of Jasmines in Her Hair, and reading onwards shows a lot more enlightening insights about love. What are you waiting for? Pick this delightful book up, feel nostalgic and reminisce as you pour through the relatable words within. May it, like the happy memories you think of at night, stay within your mind to wonder.
By Frances Arwen Samonte