I Loved You, Then I Loved Me

I Loved You, Then I Loved Me

Being in a romantic relationship poses a tricky balance: we have to account for our partner’s well-being and attend to our own. Often, we forget to do the former. Kalpesh Desai’s Jasmines in Her Hair tackles this precarious trade-off between loving others and loving ourselves, reminding us of the importance of self-love amidst loss and sadness. 


“Perhaps / that emptiness you feel when it’s over, / is nothing but space, / to newly seek and discover.” 

In the aftermath of a passionate relationship, Yesterday’s Embers chronicles the speaker’s bitterness and remorse as they cope with heartbreak. Yet amidst their pain, poems such as “The Void” and “The Weight You Carry” shed a flicker of hope, wherein the speaker begins to acknowledge their feelings and liberate themselves from their emotional burdens. The quote above depicts how shifting our perspectives to process heartbreak healthily opens more opportunities for us to grow, turning negative “emptiness” into positive “space” for self-care. 


“Maybe, I’m not too much. / Maybe you’ve just been/used too little.” 

Similarly, we can shift our perspectives to value our self-worth in relationships more. In “Maybe, I Am Not Too Much” and “Never Enough,” the speaker realizes that their manner of showing love wasn’t wrong but merely overlooked by their partner. The contrast between “too much” and “too little” highlights this conflict in perspectives, mirroring how we sometimes struggle to meet our partners’ expectations. However, Jasmines in Her Hair reminds us that we all have different needs and convey our love in various ways. Thus, we must appreciate our own more – especially since our way of caring for others may be the key to loving ourselves. 


“Held back by the fear of being twice bitten, / another book was left unwritten.” 

The pain we feel from losing people we once loved can leave lingering impacts on us. Just like the speaker in “Unwritten Books,” our past relationships may leave us doubtful of ourselves and skeptical of opening up to love again. Yet, we can also think of our fears as protective mechanisms guarding our vulnerability, giving us space to recollect our feelings and regain our confidence. The chances we miss out on rekindling romance instead manifest themselves as opportunities to heal and grow closer to ourselves. 


“When it’s time to leave / you can choose to let go and forgive.” 

As we persist through the healing process, we gain a deeper understanding of our feelings, enabling us to forgive. “Devoid of Blame” illustrates this crucial step in loving ourselves again, as the speaker reassures us: “All those moments you’ve had, / however insane, / will no longer be masked in pain.” This reminds us that silently forgiving our past loves by letting go of our bitter thoughts frees us and allows us to move beyond our self-doubt. Yet the speaker doesn’t solely refer to forgiving past partners – we also have to forgive ourselves by acknowledging the doubt that has shrouded us and learning to be kind to ourselves again. 


“And whilst I cannot unbreak my heart, / I can piece it together, part by part.” 

Jasmines in Her Hair undoubtedly tackles the concept of “love” in the sense of romantic relationships and through the viewpoint of self-love. While relationships represent unions among people, they are still ultimately built upon an essential unit: the individual. Thus, it is vital that while we love others, we still love ourselves, too – by communicating openly with our partners, setting boundaries, and making time for our personal needs. The self-love will be worth every relationship we embark on – and most importantly, for ourselves. 


By Emery Sy

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