You are the owner of your closet, so why would others open it?
Closet, always associated with the members of the LGBTQ+ community who are not yet ‘out,’ has been a scary sanctuary for them. Closeted they are, members have constantly been pressured to tell others their sexuality as if they owe them one. Many gay individuals face relentless pressure to explain or justify their sexuality to others. Whether it’s well-meaning curiosity or outright judgment, this demand for explanation can feel invasive and exhausting. The truth is, your sexuality is not a puzzle for others to solve or a story for them to dissect. It’s a deeply personal part of who you are, and you owe no one any explanation. You should be the one voluntarily telling people what aspects of your life you would like them to know, not under any external pressures.
In Raymond Alikpala’s God Loves Bakla: My Life in the Closet, he recounts his journey to self-acceptance, embracing the gay man he truly is after three exhausting decades. This extended period is truly harsh for someone. The wasted time could have been spent on many meaningful memories. But it was not his fault. Bong, just like any other gay out there, were pressured to conform to heteronormativity. They always made it look like the “standard” and that everyone should abide by it because if they did not, they were subjected to insults and discrimination similar to what happened to Bong way back in childhood. Bakla. He despised that word. For Bong, he is the personification of that word—feminine, weak. So, he felt like the closet was the safest place for him. However, life still gently reminds us that being true to ourselves can lead to better outcomes. After all, Bong learned to accept his authentic self and eventually came out to people.
It was not an easy decision for him, yet fulfilling. As difficult as it may be, members of the rainbow community owe no one an explanation. They do not own any part of you, so they should never impose any force or power on you. Coming out is a process, and there is no way people should interfere with our progress. So what if you’re not ready to come out? That doesn’t give anyone the right to reveal your sexuality for you. Your story is yours to tell, and you should share it only when you feel safe and ready. Remember, there is no timeline or deadline for coming out. This should not be a race. It’s okay to take your time, to figure things out, and to choose when and how you want to share your truth. Just like Bong, it is fine to be confused, be mad at ourselves, to question things, to kill curiosity, and to take little steps one at a time. Trust me, it’s okay to wave your flag at the end of the journey—there will always be people proud of what you’ve accomplished. It is fine too if you don’t want to wave it at all.
People may have opinions or expectations, but they don’t live your life. You do. Whether you’re out to everyone, just a few close friends, or only to yourself, it’s all valid. You are valid. So, what if you don't want to come out at all? That does not make you any less of a person. Your worth is not defined by how much you share with others. Your identity is yours, and you have every right to keep it private if that’s what feels right for you. Living authentically doesn’t always mean being an open book with everyone. It can also mean being true to yourself in your own heart and mind. It’s about finding peace and happiness in your way. You don’t owe anyone your story, your truth, or your vulnerability. What matters the most is that you feel safe, comfortable, and at ease with who you are.
Remember, your closet is yours. Whether you choose to open it wide, keep it closed, or leave the door slightly ajar, the decision is yours alone. Don’t let others open it for you. Your truth is beautiful, valid, and deserving of respect, on your terms.
By Ryan Brynesth