Every person goes through at least a few arguments in their lifetime, and most of those who say they have never been in one may not be telling the complete truth. Indeed, people will always disagree on things because differences are unavoidable. It could be a difference in age or in the communities we grew up in. Furthermore, we can have different preferences, different hobbies. We can also differ in the things we choose to give importance to. Arguments are part of human life. Wouldn’t life be boring if we always agreed with everything, or if we all had the same taste?
Although that does not mean that having arguments comes without pain... Of course, it will hurt, especially if it’s about something serious. I’m a placid and friendly person; I think of myself as such, and my friends and family say the same thing. I know that I’m agreeable because I don’t want a confrontation or argument with anyone, but that’s wishful thinking. So, even I, who hates feeling the rush of anger or annoyance, have experienced being in an argument. For instance, I’d be irrationally angry at the person I’m speaking with, perhaps even catty or snarky, because I want to be right. If they’re pulling more punches than I am, I’d cry. It brings out a lot of unwanted emotions, unwanted words, and that’s the part that tends to hurt more than what started the argument in the first place.
When you love someone, arguments are a double-edged sword. Having a peaceful resolution to it makes your relationship much stronger. On the other hand, leaving it unresolved may result in bitterness, which can create distance between you and your partner. Arguments are not wrong, as established in the earlier part of this blog. Rather, what matters is the way you and your partner deal with it. A section in Kalpesh Desai’s poetry book, Jasmines in Her Hair, is titled “Resilience.” The poems in that section revolve around the arguments and the burning words, the terrible feelings, the hatred that comes with it, which can worsen the situation if an argument ends as just an argument.
Not Who, but What
Perhaps, if we didn't focus on who caused
the pain,
but what,
Maybe then, it wouldn't happen again.
This is just one of many bitter poems in the “Resilience” section. Upon reading it, one can see that it’s not inherently enraged by what their partner could have said. There are two emotions, anger… and regret. Arguments can make someone impulsive. They won’t be able to think through what they’re saying because of the heightened emotions, and that’s where the words they don’t mean come out and start to escape their mouths and hurt the other person.
It is wise not to demonize this part of a relationship. It’s normal, and Jasmines in Her Hair shows that an argument doesn’t have to end badly. You can feel regret and sadness for the actions you’ve done in a heated fury, which is what happens in the poems within the book. Yet, demonizing an “ugly part” underneath all the love and affection would merely paint the wrong picture. It happens. And again, what matters most is what you choose to do with it afterwards.
With Jasmines in Her Hair, perhaps you, too, can learn to find some sense of solace after a terrible argument. This book may be able to help you find peace and gather the strength to go back and finish the argument more sensibly. Take a breath, leave for a bit, then come back and handle the argument without all the flames and poison.
By Frances Arwen Samonte