If you ask me when I was 13, I would say, “You’ll just know it in your heart when love finds you.” Although this may be true, I would now slightly disagree. That love is not something you'll know in your heart but rather something you now choose to see, choose to give, and choose to receive after some thought, after practicing discernment.
And so, love for me is not a feeling. Instead, love is discernment; love is a choice.
But the thing is, what happens if we are stuck in this modern dating game? What if now, despite seeing love this way, leaves me distraught? The worst part isn’t the possibility of being single forever; I know it’s not entirely our fault, but the growing dating culture of dating we experience today is mostly masked with the ideals of love. There are too many lists of what not to do and what to search for. Search for the connection that clicks right away because love is natural. If they wanted to, they would. Don’t act like you like them; that would be too clingy. All these growing beliefs of what love should look like are the main reasons why it made me give up love from a romantic perspective. I used not to believe that I was incapable of giving others love and light because all I ever knew of left my hand prints in it.
But now, loudly, I admit I want to be loved by someone romantically. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, as cliche as it may seem. Here are some notes on love as a “hopeless romantic.”
Be who you are looking for and know what you want.
We all heard this line before: be who you are looking for. We have this long list of standards we look for in people. Emotional intelligence. Gentle, slow to anger. Kind. Generous. Intelligent. Curious in life. These are just some of the things on my list. But, the thing is, the standards we have can only ever do much unless we choose to develop those in ourselves, too. Relationships can be triggering; sometimes, those reasons that became why we fell in love in the first place can also be the exact reason why relationships fall apart. There are different sides to the story, but it is all about attracting the energy we want. To attract the hope we seek, we should first be it because if not, how can we recognize whether or not the things we see aren’t from a place of delusion? Something to fill the gaps we lack? In the Sari-Sari Stories: Romance Edition, the story “The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things” by Hezekiah Zaraspe shows the harm delusion infatuation may bring, and so it is essential to be grounded in rationality without solely depending on mystical ideals of destiny.
Relationships are there to emphasize the beauty of the life we have, allowing us to grow through it. It is not there to fix us. My auntie told me to be very specific about what I look for in a partner. She said I will be blessed with it once I am ready to receive it. It is pretty similar to being who we look for in a partner; knowing what we want allows us to learn how to love ourselves better–to know our boundaries, non-negotiables, and priorities.
Know what is only yours to hold
I always think that it’s sad that I only ever get too close to something but never fully grasp the whole of it. So, I’ve remembered holding something too close from my fear that this might leave me if I loosen my grip for a bit. Relationships felt like a chore, and I felt so drained because of them. My attachment to comfort led me to lose everything I ever held close to because I refused to discern whether or not these people were meant to be in my life. When that happens, I feel like I’m forcing myself into things. I believe this is where the concept of love naturally comes in. Love doesn’t have to be an option. Love isn’t being fearful of letting go because it only means that we leave spaces for the things that are meant for us to fill without feeling drained. Love is knowing and cherishing the remains of those who fueled us with love. I guess that’s why the story of Isavell and Rain in “You Make Me Smile,” written by Hadlee Zircon, touched something in me. It reflected how love is still to be honored despite only ever getting too close. If we view it genuinely, a fragment of love will bring us more light than grasping for the whole of something not meant to stay.
Cherish the love you have now, and honor the waiting.
As a hopeless romantic, it is tempting to fall into the pressure of society in the dating scene. But know that there is no such thing as a lack of love; we only have to realize what we already hold. And if we can't yet, I hope we won’t be afraid to create it in whatever ways we deem fit. There is no such thing as loving too much or too little; it is just a mix-match. As we wait for the partners still yet to come, let us not sit idly in the waiting; let’s nurture ourselves in hopes of the beautiful love set for us. As tempting as it may be, waiting always has a reason, and I hope you hold on to it.
Love is always a word we live for, so know that you are already capable and full of it.
By June Danielle Folio